The Pratties 2014 – The race is on!
Christmas is bearing down on us like a massive chocolate fudge meteorite with a sprig of mistletoe on top and furry dice dangling underneath it. Before we all mellow into the season to break our dieting plans as well as our bank accounts, let’s get the Climate Prat of the Year Award underway, and out of the way before the Christmas break.
For those of you not familiar with this prestigious award, known informally as the Pratties, it’s given to the person voted by readers here to be the biggest climate prat of the year. If you needed or indeed were surprised by that description, I think it’d be much kinder on yourself if you just stopped reading now. Getting all the way to the end of two whole paragraphs must already have taken a lot out of you.
If this is your first time participating in the annual bout of madness that lurks at the quintessential heart of the Pratties, you may be unfamiliar with the term prat. You’ll find my own idiosyncratic description of a pure free-range prat here, but if you want something more formal, the OED definition can be found here.
As for what’s loosely called the rules of competition, the bones of them are in the inaugural announcement of the prize, but they’ve by necessity evolved slightly over the years, so I’ll thumbnail them for you. There are two phases to it; first the nominations followed by the actual voting process, rather than the other way around. Yes, I know, slightly obvious but certain poor benighted wretches might just have lasted to the fourth paragraph. Let’s just exercise some Christian charity here folks.
You can nominate up to five people by simply adding a comment underneath this piece. Some chancer already tried nominating the same person five times, so forget about that wheeze. You can’t nominate organisations – that would be too rich a field – it has to be a person. Ships are also out, irrespective of whether they’re stuck at opposite poles of the planet or a certain actor is leaning over the prow of it. It’s an equal opportunity contest; the nominee can be male, female or even a Greenie but it does have to be a hominid of some vague type.
That last sentence is of course totally inane – a woman will never carry off a Prattie. Their roles are severely restricted and subservient to their eco-warrior menfolk in the fundamentalist cult of global warming. Those meek and submissive silly billies all know their place in the green scheme of things. Speaking as a skeptic, by and large we tend to prefer more feisty wimmen who’re up for a bloody good fight; are you listening out there Jen? Ready for round two, bitch? I like to think I got the first one on points.
It’s open to all professions, not just what passes for a guru scientist nowadays. I’d venture to suggest that certain people in showbiz have made particularly strong showings this year, but I don’t want to unduly influence your nominations. I wonder what Leonardo DiCaprio is doing for Christmas? Perhaps he’ll be gnawing on a turkey leg after private jetting around to one of Gorgeous George’s palatial mansions.
Anyway, just add your personal favourites as a comment and I’ll total them up as the nominations come in.
At the end of a week or so, the nomination phase will close and the top five nominated will then be listed as this year’s finalists and the voting proper can begin. Young Vladimir has already lashed together the voting thingy for me and it’ll appear in the right sidebar of the blog. After a couple of weeks of voting early and often, the voting booth will close and the winner will be announced in time for Christmas.
The one other thing I have to tell you about is the Blinder Prat option. If some totally outstanding climate prat bursts onto the scene amidst the voting phase, they can be swapped into the competition at the expense of another candidate. Which candidate gets swapped out is totally at the discretion of something called the committee, which I’m about to tell you about.
Any disputes, rule splitting, hair pulling or just general handbagging will be adjudicated by this year’s Committee Running the Annual Pratties. It’s always referred to as the committee because of its unfortunate acronym, a whimsical little suggestion of mine that in all innocence I imagined would be spotted well before everyone at Skeptic Central leapt on the thing and became totally committed to the damn name – I really don’t want to talk about that painful lapse of personal judgement any more, so don’t push it. Please.
Anyway, moving on, don’t ask about the makeup of it, since it’s run on the basis of the BBC’s Berchtesgaden House rules; anonymous, unaccountable, secretive and fundamentally weasely. Actually, it’s quite a bit reminiscent of the BBC itself, but without the systemic paedophile culture. The committee may be bad boys, but they don’t need to be pulled out of general pop like the freaks.
There was an incident of attempted bribery last year, so it’s with deep regret that it’s become necessary to pay them handsomely for their time and effort, and to be frank, to keep them honest. I’m struggling to come up with the lolly so if you’re feeling flush, please click on the donate button. They are sorta honest but in the Chicago sense of that word, once bribed, they stay bribed. Anyway, a big thanks to our sponsors the Koch brothers, Big Blog and of course MaxGentleman, who’s been a hard and fast supporter of the competition from the very start. If I were you, I wouldn’t waste a moment buying their product.
As usual, cheating is strongly discouraged but since we’re dealing with the global green scam, it’s by now a traditionally ambiguous area when it comes to the Pratties, so it’s not actually banned per se. It’s part of the fun and keeps myself and the committee on our toes. We’ve really bullet proofed the thing this year, so if a new and particularly brilliant way to hack the competition is found, we may just be impressed enough to let it stand.
Every new year, I make the resolution to jot down any particularly galling prats over the coming twelve months, but I’ve never yet remembered to do that. I end up of scanning through a few blogs and picking them out. Certainly, a lot of the major prats who were resplendent in the glory days of climate alarmism have been very quiet this year; people like James “we’re all doomed” Hansen and Al “I sold out to big oil” Gore being cases in point. However, I feel that’s just the natural process of the older generation ceding their place to a vibrant new crop of prats, determined to lead lemming-like the charge over the cliffs of reality and down into the beloved fjords of the Norwegian Blue.
Australia, which traditionally fields some world-class contenders, seems to have had its prats decimated by the recent enlightenment down under. There’s still a few wandering around, like Christine “coal or death” Milne (am I the only one who thinks she didn’t quite express herself as she intended?), but they’re not a patch on the green antipodean bogies of yesteryear.
They were last seen on Bondi beach with their heads buried in the sand (rather than their more traditional position of up their arse) and their buttocks stuck up in the air. It caused a stir, not because it was a particularly good stunt but because a largely indifferent public cheekily took the opportunity to avail themselves of the proffered arse cracks as a handy facility to park their bicycles up for their day at the beach. That was bad enough, but it was the cyclist’s insistence on chaining up their bikes that caused complete bloody chaos.
In Europe, it’s not been a vintage year on the climate prat front. Far from it actually, so I fear the pickings there will be slim. The Jerries have finally looked down into the abyss and are now frantically dismantling the renewables money pit before it dismantles their economy, the Brits are looking for novel excuses for the winter blackouts they’ve already leaked prior warnings about, the Italians I believe are concentrating on electing yet another topless (and no doubt bottomless) porno star as a politician, the French have gone ominously quiet which is never a good sign and all the rest are a hoping and a praying that the EU stays in one piece because if it doesn’t, they know their ass, like all flesh, is grass.
Apart from a few Euro Green Gilberts mainly institutionalised in the legacy media, people have got real things to worry about rather than the “green crap”, as David Cameron called it in an unguarded moment.
For some unaccountable reason, there’s been a lot of prattish activity aboard the high seas this year, with people like Prof. Turkey amongst others getting ships nearly crushed in supposedly ice-free oceans or seized by the authorities. On solid land, that’s the bits that still don’t realise they should be sinking under the oceans, the American Secretary of State John Kerry has to be a leading contender amongst what I think is a very strong field.
America looks very strong this year. Having said that, I don’t believe Obama actually qualifies as a climate prat because he actually doesn’t believe a word of it anyway. He’s not very good at keeping a straight face. Saving the planet is just something he feels he might finally bloody-well succeed at. After all, there’s simply gotta be something. No prez wants to end up in the history books like a Jimmy Carter.
Outside government circles, you’ve got the usual climate clots like Stephen “I tell you they’re the ones who’re mad” Lewandowsky, Joe Romm, Weepy Bill, Tom “a fool and their money” Steyer and loads of other assorted never-wozzers, has-beens or just simply sad tarts like Manny, twice a bridesmaid at the Pratties but never a bride. Perhaps third time lucky? Did you mebbe catch Dana’s bouquet last year, you coquettish lil thang you? None of your coy smiles now. Gowon, do tell. You can be such a teasy little minx at times …
The list of possible nominees is endless. You’re spoilt for choice; there’s lots of them to pick but I’ve a sneaking feeling the Yanks are going to lift the prize for the third year running. As usual, they’ve got more. Just more. More of more, more of everything, lotsa more as my Daddy said; more money, resources, men, gob, patience, cupidity, generosity, kindness and as it turns out, even more climate prats. Lord help the poor devils.
Anyway, we’re going to do the democratic thing and nominate. Pile in you drongos. It’s time for the old world to flex its muscles in the Pratties. In passing, that transition from an African voice to a European one at about eight minutes into that piece is quite simply sublime. Some things really are to die for. Having read her book, I’d have loved to have met Karen, but there you go. I somehow think we’d have liked each other, passing ships in an out of phase temporal night. Okay, wiping away a quiet tear and getting back on track, we’re all set.
You’ve only got a week or so to get your nominations in, so do it. Do it, do it, pick your nose and chew it, as we used to chant as naughty children, and may the best prat win.
ps. I nearly forgot, did I happen to mention that prat Leonardo DiCapricko?
UPDATE 1: Nominations count to date.
Burka wotsisname Obama (19)
Christine Prune-face Milne (12)
Professor SoF Turney (10)
Mickey “moobs” Mann (9)
John “97%” Cook (9)
Leonardo DiCapricko (8) – Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!
Tom “moneybags” Steyer (7)
Ed Davey (6)
Lewpaper Lewandowsky (6)
John “climate change is the world’s most pressing issue” Kerry (5)
Vivienne “starve the poor” Westwood (4)
Tim “the tooth fairy” Flannery aka Tim Fanny (3)
John “i’ve got the prezzie’s ear” Holdren (3)
David “green crap” Cameron (3)
Robert “concentration camps” Kennedy Jr. (2) – hang your head in shame boy.
Emma Luvvie Matilda Dahling Seagrub Borinda Thompson (2)
Neil Young (2)
James “deaf trains” Hansen (1)
Tim “greed is good” Yeo (1)
Myles “hands on hip” Allen (1)
John “polar vortex is caused by global warming” Podesta (1)
Wan Ki Moon (1)
Baroness Sandip Verma née Vermin outta Vic Vermina (1)
Lord “greedier is better” Debden (1)
Dumbo Garnaut (1)
Camille Parmesan (1)
James Cameron (1)
Naomi Grotesque (1)
William “the scrote” Connolley (1) – Yessss – at last he’s nominated. He’s world class. More nominations please.
Ed Milliband (1) – Who is he anyway? Does anyone know?
“Carbon” Cate Blanchtit (1) – Totally outstanding diss.
Miriam O’Brien (1)
Andy Revkin (1)
Naomi “DNR” Oreskes (1)
Christina La Figueres (1)
Bill Nye (1)
Jim Carter (1)
Jim Yong Kim (1)
Prof Peter “Ice-Free Arctic Next Year” Wadhams (1)
Naomi “this book changes nothing” Klein (1)
David “dirty mackintosh” Suzuki (1)
Miriam “too late” O’Brien (1)
Naomi “civil war” Klein (1)
Ed Millipede (1) – superb diss, abso-bloody-lutly.
Kevin “I’m a Nobel Prize winner” Trenberth (1)
UPDATE 2: Nominations are now closed.
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